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3.20.13

People can be such assholes. It’s a shame.

5.19.13

Today my mother told me to either live her way and by her rules or get out.  She also expressed her excitement for me to leave in the fall. The only thing keeping me here is their funding of my college education…she keeps dangling that over my head because her and I both know that they aren’t obligated to pay $50,000 dolars annually for my undergrad. So she uses that as a tool to make me act the way she expects. Next year she’s gonna demand report cards and if I’m not doing well enough, she’ll stop paying for school. Additionally she’s going to start drug testing me again. She refuses to accept me as anything more than a child, but I’m almost 18 and her parental influence over me ended a long time ago. Ugh. Fuck her. Fuck this.

Side note: to anyone who wants to send me an anonymous message about how I need to stop complaining about my mother, don’t. Dish out your shitty advice elsewhere.

Just finished We the Animals by Justin Torres.

Real. Tragic. Haunting.

5.16.13

Tomorrow is my last day of high school ever. It’s about time.

5.15.13

So much anonymous hostility on my Tumblr…if you don’t like my blog, don’t read it.

5.14.13

So I got the results from my NEO-PI-R personality inventory today. A few interesting scores…I scored as high as you can be in how much you trust other people…I scored as low as you can be in how open you are to your own feelings/how capable you are of feeling joy/love/etc…I scored extremely low in all 6 subcategories of Conscientiousness (I don’t have motivation to get things done as I feel incompetent and I’m content with that mediocrity)…I scored high on impulsiveness and extremely high on sympathy for others…low on anxiety…I’m basically all over the place. The only thing it confirmed is my inability to feel my own emotions leads me to sympathize and trust other people…also I’m lazy. 

5.13.13

My mother is a crazy person. How does she know these things? I feel violated.

5.12.13

Mother’s Day makes me sad. My mom is not my hero, nor supportive/loving/any adjective you’ll find on a Hallmark Card. But I have to participate in a day of superficial love. The worst part is that I wish I could buy my mom one of those cards and actually mean what it says.

5.8.13

My chest hurts but I still want a cigarette. Does this qualify as addiction?

My exhaustion comes in waves.

5.5.13

I can’t distinguish between feer and excitement as I count down the days ‘till I leave for college. I think it’ll be the first time in my life that I’ll really be out of my “comfort zone”, if you will, and I’m thrilled. But I’m also pretty worried. I hope I made the right choice with NYU. I guess we’ll see!

Also 10 days of high school left. Can’t wait.

5.2.13

I’m gonna miss Cameron a lot. Probably more than I should. It kinda sucks that I’ll inevitably have to deal with the breakup stage. I’m just not sure what it’s gonna be like cause we broke up last summer and I couldn’t deal with not talking to him or seeing him but I can’t keep talking to him as much as I do now or neither of us will get over each other. But maybe I don’t want to get over him! I’m really not sure. It’s gonna be weird and hard and I don’t wanna do it. Stupid future that I’ve been so anxious to get to.

You mean a lot to me, probably more than it seems.

I’m gonna miss you, probably more than you think.